Spoon Suit Man: Part 9 (Lauren)

When we last left our hero, he had just finished listening to the Avaricious Arachnid's long, boring origin story. While listening to the story, he had attempted to untie Ben, but his hands became ensnared in the sticky ropes. - Lauren

"Er.. just out of curiosity... what does the script have to do with being Spider-woman?" asked Sven.

"Not Spider-woman! Avaricious Arachnid! Oh, why must I always be compared to that clueless Cassandra?"

"Huh?" said Ben.

"I think she's referring to the meaning of Cassandra, which is 'she who entangles men,'" Sven translated. "Although it can also mean 'queen of everything.'"

"How do you know that?" asked Ben suspiciously.

"Someone named Cassandra told me," said Sven.

"Who?" Ben asked, getting even more suspicious.

"Why this evil plan, Jazmin?" asked Sven, hastily changing the subject.


"Because... I wanted to try out my new found powers on the city's most prominent super hero! And I have succeeded in catching you inescapably in my web of lies! Now I know I am invincible!"

"Ah yes," sighed Sven, "it was plain from the start that we were no match for each other. I mean, just compare our origin stories and you'll see it, plain as day."

"Oh?" said the Avaricious Arachnid suspiciously.

"Yes," continued Sven in his woe-is-me British accent. "I mean there are some similarities between our stories, but the differences - oh, the differences are what really tell you!"

"Tell you what?" asked Jazmin.

"Just compare our stories, and you'll see," urged Sven, still British.

"Why Sven, mate," said Ben in his hint-hint Australian accent, "I don't believe Jazmin is quite acquainted with the story of your origin."

"I'm afraid I would quite bore her with the telling," sighed Sven. "I know she is not so cruel as to prolong our agony while my tortured lips speak the story of my origin."

"Who says I am not so cruel?" said Jazmin in her almighty-tyrant Polish accent. "I will show you cruel. I command you, man of spoon, to tell me the story of your origin."

"No, please," said Sven Britishly.

"Please don't make him; he can't take it, mate," said Ben Australianly.

"The Avaricious Arachnid commands it!" said Jazmin Polishly in the third person.

"Very well," gasped Sven, "I shall tell you. My old teacher Professor Excalibur asked me to build a giant robot out of soup cans for him. I was on Woman-Warrior.com -"

"You mean Amazon." corrected Jazmin.

"No, no, this is called Woman-Warrior. Anyway, I was about to order soup cans. I was typing in my order on my iPhone. I typed in the words soup cans, and Auto-correct autocorrected it to spoons clay. Before I realized this I had hit "order." The screen was a little bit slow, so I had a full five seconds to look at my - well, Autocorrect's - mistake before the order went through. Well, what could I do? I had just ordered fifteen-hundred spoons and fifteen-hundred pounds of clay. The day the order arrived was the hottest day New Spork city had ever had. The kitchen was 500* farenheit. So I decided, then and there, to make lemonade."

"That was a good idea, you can get dehydrated in that kind of weather." said Jazmin.

"No-," said Sven, "I metaphorically made lemonade. You know, 'when life gives you lemons' kind of lemonade."

"He made the best of a bad situation," said Ben, tossing popcorn into his mouth.

"Where did you get that?" hissed Jazmin.

"Oh this?" asked Ben, holding up his popcorn, "Some writer person just handed it to me. Said it was for comedic effect, whatever that is."

"Anyway," said Sven loudly, "I decided to build a suit of armor rather than an unmanned robot. Spoon metal is much thicker than soup can metal, anyway. So I used the clay to build molds of the individual pieces of armor. I had a big pot in the kitchen which I poured spoons into to melt them. Then I used a synthetic-"

"Skip the recipe and get to the end," said Jazmin unsympathetically.

"So I made a suit of armor out of spoons," said Sven lamely. "I went to show it to Professor Excalibur, but he had been murdered. Horrified, I flew across the city, looking for his murderer - "

"Oooh, ooh, I know this one!" yelled Ben excitedly, "The murderer was that thief in the elevator who you didn't stop!"

"No," said Sven dryly. "He was just a murderer. It was after I delivered him to the police that I realized this suit could be used for good. Ever since, I have been the Spoon Suit Man."

"That's it?" said Jazmin, disappointed. "I thought you found, like, these magical cosmic spoons, and you stole them from this heavily guarded kitchen and made your suit."

"That's what we put in the children's books," said Sven. "Autocorrect is a little too much for kids to understand."

"I can see what you mean about our origin stories, though!" crowed the Avaricious Arachnid, "Mine is way cooler."

"Well, your origin story may be cooler," said Sven, "but my suit is better - well, it's not hard to be better than your suit - my suit is more advanced than any of your weapons."

"Oh?" said the Avaricious Arachnid. "Why?"

She turned around.

"Well, for one, while we were talking I had my suit fly remotely to this room and cut through the webs with its laser beam. And now, you're about to wish you'd stayed in your room and watched the spiders."

And a fully armored Spoon Suit Man stepped out of the shadows.

"Ack!" yelled the Avaricious Arachnid.

"Ack?" asked Spoon Suit Man, "seriously, is that the best you can do?"

"Ack," said the Avaricious Arachnid, "Is spider-language for ATTACK HIM KILL HIM AND EAT HIM!!!"

"Wow, that's a very efficient language," mused Sven.

"Uh, Sven, did I mention I hate spiders?" said Ben.

"No, not recently, why?"

"Cause I WANT OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!"

"Okay, okay, dear Doctor Benny," Spoon Suit Man scooped up Ben.

"Oh, no you don't" cackled the Avaricious Arachnid avariciously. 


Will Sven and Ben escape from the Avaricious Arachnid's sinister trap? Find out on Thursday!


Next section: Spoon Suit Man Part 10 (Spidophile)