Spoon Suit Man: Part 16 (Spidophile)

When we last left our hero, he was being threatened by a mysterious villain with an odd way of talking and a gun. Sven had just asked the villain if he was death's door mat. - Lauren

"How about I'm more like the doorman who opens death's door?" said the mysterious villain.

"I knew a doorman once. The Horrible Hotel episode where I defeated the Belligerent Bellhop, the Malicious Manager and the Devious Doorman and ...oh...there was one more...who was it?"

"How about the Corrupt Cook?"

"That was it."

"How about you clam up now and let me do the talking?"

"How about you do?"

"How about you act a little frightened here?"
 "Why would I be frightened? You're the fourth villain I've encountered today. I'm not scared of the bad guys."

"How about I'm one of the good guys?"

"You're not. If you were a good guy, you wouldn't be holding this gun to my head."

"How about I'm one of those good guys who goes around holding guns to other heroe's heads?"

"Are you Deadpool?" questioned Sven, turning his head slightly.

"No, mi nombre es Puerto Estera Blake, el Marrón Solitario."

"Qué?" asked Sven in his limited high school spanish.

"Puerto Estera Blake. El Marrón Solitario."


"Blake. That's why that name sounded so familiar. You're the Avaricious Arachnid's ex-husband, right?"

"How about you can call me the Brown Recluse, since that is my English name."

"Why do you talk like that?"

"How about I shoot you and make my escape out the demolished window?"

"Why would you do that?"

"How about because I'm mad at you?"

"Why are you mad at me?"

"How about because you put my wife in prison?"

"You mean your ex-wife. And why shouldn't I put her in jail? She's a crazy criminal."

"How about I shoot you NOW?"

"Go ahead if it'll make you feel better."

Puerto pulled the trigger and jumped out the window. Sven tossed another piece of popcorn in his mouth.

"I know a real gun when I feel one," he said to no one in particular.

Meanwhile, across town, Ben was rifling through T-shirts over at CheapSkate department store. He held up a black one that said 'Are You Death's Doormat?' judged the price too high, and hung it back up only to find himself face to face with Nicole Soapdish.

"Benny! Imagine seeing you here of all people, Sugar!"

Ben resisted a mad impulse to run.

"Hi, Nicole."

"Oh, Benny, how's the hero job going? You catch any big bad villains lately? "

"Three today," mumbled Ben, wishing to be anywhere but there.

"That's great! I just got back from California yesterday and I had this cute little beach house like right by the ocean and I went sunbathing like first thing in the morning and I went shopping and got this like totally cute tank top and shorts and on the flight back there was like this spider on the window and like it just wouldn't go away and I lost my bag at the airport and had to wait for like three hours and then like I finally got my bag back and was still in time to hear the big news!"

"What big news?"

"As if you didn't know, Benny-O!" giggled Nicole "The New Spork Superhero Masquerade Ball this weekend! Are you going, dear Doctor Benny?"

"Uuuuuhhh. No."

"I totally don't have a date either! I'll go with you Benny-O, see you tomorrow!" Nicole squealed "I gotta go now and get my costume! See ya later, alligator!"

"And then she just took off. Didn't give me a chance to speak."


Ben flopped on Sven's couch and buried his face in a cushion. "I'm doomed," he moaned.


Next up: Sven goes to the opera and meets a new enemy.


Next section: Spoon Suit Man part 17 (Lauren)