Spoon Suit Man: Part 12 (Spidophile)

When we last left our hero, he was sitting on the couch eating popcorn with his cousin and sidekick Ben Spencer (A.K.A. Dr. Spork) when a massive man burst through the window. - Lauren

A massive man wearing thick, spiky armor stood in the window. Shards of glass crunched beneath his mighty boots.

"Look, to be honest," said Sven, his eyes on the TV, "You're the third super villain we've fought today. You're no big deal."

"BUT I AM VERLIERER THE GERMAN!!!!!!!"

"Verlierer!" cried Ben, aghast.

"Ben, we already know who he is, there's no need to repeat his name. This isn't some formulaic children's cartoon show."

"But I like the way it sounds." said Ben. "Verlierer. Verlierer. Verli-"

"VERLIERER IS NOT SO LIGHTLY IGNORED!" thundered Verlierer.

"Well, you tell Verlierer that he'll just have to wait until I can see him," said Sven, "We're on lunch break right now."


And with that, the two heroes rose from the couch and set the table with their Wednesday lunch, which JEROSLAV had been remotely cooking. The massive German was flabbergasted. And I do mean flabbergasted.

However, Sven and Ben began to eat, ignoring the fuming juggernaut's confusion. Apparently, the criminal was not up-to-date on Super Hero/Villain Lunch Period Laws and couldn't see why the Spoon Suit man and Dr. Spork were merely eating while he, VERLIERER THE GERMAN, was getting ready to punch holes in their cowardly gizzards.

"STOP YOUR TEETHING AND FIGHT ME, YOU SCHLAPPSCHWANZS!" roared Verlierer.

"Name calling is against Super Hero/Villain Trash Talking Laws."

"I DO NOT KNOW THIS LAWS! I AM VERLIERER THE GERMAN! I TRASH TALK! I CALL NAMES!"

"Gee, that must be hard to read," remarked Ben. "Pass the crescent rolls."

Verlierer was beginning to get seriously angry. And I do mean seriously angry. He slammed his spiky club down on the table, smashing the dish that Sven was handing to Ben.

"Come on, man! that was the last of the crescents!" howled Ben.

Verlierer the German laughed.

"ONLY FRENCH SCHLAPPSCHWANZS EAT THESE CRESCENTS!"

Sven thought of a clever comeback but had unfortunately bit off a large piece of beef seconds earlier and was only able to manage:

"Mmm-mmm-mmm!"

"YOU AMERICANS DO NOT SPEAK PROPER HINGLISH!" roared Verlierer.

Sven waved his arms and pointed at his stuffed mouth. Verlierer laughed.

"YOU AMERICAN SCHLAPPSCHWANZS DO NOT KNOW HOW TO EAT BEEF LIKE GERMAN MEN!" he roared, and stabbed the rest of the beef off the platter with his knife, jamming the whole thing between his teeth.

"MMM-MMM-MMM!" he chuckled.

Ben decided to rescue his own portion of beef before Verlierer ate that, too. Somehow he managed to stuff the gigantic wad of meat in his cheeks and still find room to chew.

"Mmm-mmm-mmm," he pointed out.

"Mmm-mmm-mmm?" said Sven.

"MMM-MMM-MMM!" roared Verlierer.

"Mmm-mmm-mmm," agreed Sven.

"MMM-MMM-MMM?" asked Verlierer.

Sven swallowed. Ben swallowed.

"I could totally see that beef go down your throat, cuz."

Verlierer gave it another chew and swallowed the rest of the beef.

"COULD USE BARBECUE SAUCE," he paused. "AND GERMAN CHOCOLATE." he added.

Sven snorted.

"German chocolate is the only good thing about the Germans."

"Yeah, they invented German measles-," said Ben, before seeing Verlierer's angered face. "Okay I take that back! I take that back!"

"YOU SHOULD TALK WHEN YOUR OWN COUNTRY CAUSED THE GREAT DEPRESSION!" roared Verlierer the German, banging Ben's head against the table.

"NO WE DIDN'T -okay why am I talking in caps- No we didn't, it was Stockholm's fault!" argued Sven.

"STOCKHOLM?" roared Verlierer, dropping Ben.

"Oh, Stockholm, Yeah I get it," croaked Ben "like stock market. Nice pun."

"It wasn't really a pun but...yeah, thank you."

"ENOUGH WITH THE RED HERRINGS!" yelled the angry German.

"No, you're thinking of Cap'n Cino*."

{*Pronounced "Chee-no", as in the word cappuccino. - Literal Lauren}

"I DRINK ESPRESSO WITH GERMAN CHOCOLATE!"

Sven snorted.

"German chocolate is the only good thing about the Germans."

Verlierer clapped his massive hands over his enormous ears.

"YOU SCHLAPPSCHWANZS ONLY TO CONFUSE ME! BUT VERLIERER IS NOT SO EASILY FOOLED! YOU WILL BE CRUSHED BY VERLIERER THE GERMAN!"

"Well, lunch is over now since you smashed our rolls and ate all our beef so I'll armor up and fight you now."

"Wait!" cried Ben "We haven't eaten dessert yet! I made a cheesecake!"

Sven dived for the table and grabbed his fork as Ben hurried to the fridge. Verlierer was absolutely flabbergasted. And I do mean flabbergasted.

"CHEESECAKE IS FOR SCHLAPPSCHWANZS AND LADIES," thundered Verlierer, "TURN AND FIGHT ME."

"I don't have to turn." said Sven, "I'm already facing you."

"BUT DO YOU HAVE THE STOMACH TO FACE ME IN BATTLE?"

"I don't know, do you have the face to stomach me in battle?"

"RAAAAAH!" yelled Verlierer angrily. It was his favorite catchphrase, issued to him by the Angry German Super Villain League when he joined three years ago.

"Sis boom bah," said Sven absentmindedly.

Verlierer could take the clever taunts no longer (his brain was much too slow to keep up with them).

"YOU SWEDISH DOG!"

"I'm not Swedish," Sven interjected.

"I WILL TEACH YOU TO MAKE FUN OF VERLIERER THE GERMAN!"

"You don't have to teach me, I already -" but before Sven could finish his Chico Marx quote, Verlierer picked him up and tossed him against the wall.

Will Sven suffer a concussion? Will Ben come to his rescue? Will Verlierer end up smashing both of the schlappschwanz? Check back Tuesday to find out!


Nest section: Spoon Suit Man part 13 (Lauren)