Spoon Suit Man: Part 10 (Spidophile)

When we last left our hero he was being attacked by the Avaricious Arachnid's sinister spiders. In an effort to save his sidekick Ben (A.K.A. Dr. Spork) from an acute attack of arachnaphobia, he was preparing to fly them both out of the building. The Avaricious Arachnid, however, was not about to let them get away so easily. - Lauren


With lightning swiftness the villianess leaped toward the freed Ben and gripped his left leg as Sven hooked the arms of his suit under Ben's arms and shot into the air. Spoon Suit Man, Dr. Spork, and the Arachnid went smashing through the roof of the creepy old abandoned warehouse and into the bright sun over New Spork city.

Ben kicked frantically at the unwanted passenger hitching a ride on his size nine loafer. Sven whipped around the Spatula of Liberty and executed a series of snap rolls before streaking toward the waves. Seconds before he hit the water, however, it occurred to him that Ben was not safely in armor and might not appreciate being smacked with tremendous force against the frigid surface. Spoon Suit Man swiftly changed direction and spiraled upward at such a pace that Ben claimed for weeks afterward it had given him halitosis. Sven denied this.

The Avaricious villainess clung on through it all, though, aided by suction gloves. The gloves enabled her to use an unappreciative Ben as a human ladder and climb all the way to Sven's helmet while in flight. 

"This looks important!" the Arachnid shouted above the wind as she tore out a flashing wire from the neck.

"Actually, it isn't," answered Sven "Just my loudspeaker."

But of course she couldn't hear him as his loudspeaker was gone.

"I think I just ripped out your targeting system!"

"Cut that out." 


Sven sent an electrical volt down the exterior of his armor, shielding only the parts that had direct contact with Ben. He heard the satisfying cry and the feet let go of his head. 


Spoon Suit Man stopped his armor and scanned the scenery for the shocked villainess. This was a mistake. A split second later Sven's vision was obscured by a large white web that was being wound around his helmet by guess who. 

"Don't you people ever-!!"

"Sorry," interrupted Jazmin "but you shouldn't see this next part."

With that she removed a gleaming dagger from her belt and plunged it into Spoon Suit Man's back.

"Uuuunnggghhh!!!" roared Sven.  The blade had dug through his armor and was pricking his back most annoyingly. He quickly executed plan B. (Plan C, actually. Sven hadn't counted on the Avaricious Arachnid coming along for the ride.)

" J.E.R.O.S.L.A.V!" he shouted to his armor's intelligent built-in computer "Autopilot to HOME now!"


"Hang on, Ben!" he shouted into his speaker. But of course Ben couldn't hear him since his loudspeaker was gone. The armor zipped for the apartment but unfortunately did not throw the villainess off his back. Just as well, for they reached the apartment building quick as a flash or two. 


"J.E.R.O.S.L.A.V! Go through the skylight- not the window! I just had it fixed! J.E.R.O.S.L.A..A.A.A.A.A.A.V.V.V.V.V.V.V.V.V.!"


J.E.R.O.S.L.A.V was an autopilot, unfortunately, and to him 'HOME' meant 'get there as fast as possible in any way possible'. The computer just couldn't be bothered with taking a detour all the way up to the skylight. So through the window they went. Three minutes later they had all regained consciousness (Sven had banged his head against the interior of his helmet) and miraculously no one had been hit by a single shard of glass.


"Of course we haven't, it's not in the script. Duh." the Avaricious Arachnid pointed out.


"Okay, how did you get the script?" demanded Ben "And why don't Sven or I have one?"


"Some writer person handed it to me. They said I needed it more than they did."


Sven snorted. "I think you've got short-term memory loss."


"I do not have short term memory loss. I have a photographic memory."


"How did you hear that? My loudspeaker was gone!"


"I've been reading your lines from the script this whole time. What does J.E.R.O.S.L.A.V stand for?"


"Just A Really Odd Silly Little Advanced, uh, Vocal thing."


"Actually," said J.E.R.O.S.L.A.V "J.E.R.O.S.L.A.V is a more convenient way of saying-"


"Thank you J.E.R.O.S.L.A.V, we all know how smart you are." 


"Sir, I was only correcting what you-"


"Thank you, J.E.R.O.S.L.A.V."


J.E.R.O.S.L.A.V. was silent.


Ben looked at Jazmin.


"Were you reading that because I have no idea what just happened."


"Well, basically Mr. Spencer said-"


The Arachnid began to read the scene to Ben.


"Wow," he said when she finished. "You are not very nice to your computer, cuz."


Sven shrugged. "Artist's license." 


"What?" asked Ben.


"Look it up on Wikipedia." said Sven, "Now, Jazmin, the game is up."


"What?" asked the Avaricious Arachnid.


"Oh, right." Sven removed his helmet. "Artist's license, look it up on Wikipedia, now Jazmin, the game's up."


Will Sven finally be able to defeat the Avaricious Arachnid? Find out on Friday!


Next section: Spoon Suit Man part 11 (Lauren)