Spoon Suit Man: Part 5 (Lauren)

When we last left our hero, he was once again being threatened by the evil Clementine, who had just instructed him to choose his last words. - Lauren

"If you don't mind, I'd like to finish my breakfast," said Sven.

Clementine frowned. "Those have to be the worst last words ever. No matter, because soon you will be but a faint horrible memory! The supreme example of what happens to those who challenge the evil Clementine! No more shall you laugh sarcastically at my ubiquitous blunders! No more shall you always have the right catchphrase for every situation! No more shall you captivate audiences with your sheer energy and character! No more! So! Speaks! Clementine!"

Then, exhausted by that exhausting monologue, he collapsed into a chair.

"Orange juice?" offered Sven.

"Do you dare to mock my name?" cried an outraged Clementine.

"Dude - I mean, Clementine, chill. I just thought you looked thirsty."


"Well, not because you mentioned it,or in any way relating to what you just said, I do recall that I'm thirsty."


Sven poured a glass of orange juice and handed it to the evil Clementine.


"Thank you," said Clementine, before remembering his identity. "I mean, well done, slave."


He downed his glass of orange juice. "Now, why did I come here?"


"To kill me," Sven reminded him. "Presumably with this."


He held up Clementine's SpoonSlayer.


"How did you get that, you thief?" yelled Clementine.


"I picked your pocket while I was handing you the juice," said Sven coolly.


Then he couldn't resist adding, "Talk about heaping coals of fire upon your enemy's head."


He grinned. Clementine fumed.


"Well, get it over with," the villain said at last.


"Oh, no, I'm not going to kill you with this," said Sven, "whatever it is. I'm not that kind of hero."


Clementine saw a potential bright spot opening up in the dark future.


"I know, I know... this is the part where you call the police to come pick me up. Yes," he sighed, "you might as well."



"I'm not calling the police," said Sven. "I'm taking you to the station myself."


At that moment, Ben staggered into the room.

"Mornin'," he mumbled vaguely. 


As Clementine and Sven stared, Ben took the pitcher of orange juice off the table and flopped down on the couch, expertly turning on the TV at the same time. He sipped orange juice as he watched a toothpaste commercial.

"Are those my pajamas?" asked an annoyed Sven Spencer.

Ben nodded as his mouth was filled to bursting with orange juice.

"Why are you wearing them?"

Ben swallowed mightily. "I fell asleep waiting for you to get out of the shower. Got any waffles?"

"I think I have some Eggo's in the freezer." said Sven, "But you'll have to microwave them. My toaster's still gummed up with marshmallow."

"Still sorry about that." Ben rose from the couch.

"What kind of idiot puts marshmallows in the toaster?" snickered the Clementine.


"You know what, Clementine? I am thoroughly annoyed with you," said Sven, thoroughly annoyed with him. "Ben, watch him while I go suit up."


Sven left the room. Ben and the Clementine stared at each other awkwardly.


"Want a waffle?" said Ben.


"Sure," said the Clementine.


Ben retreated into the kitchen. Clementine heard a creak as Ben opened the freezer, and then a rustle as he wrestled with the plastic wrapping on the waffles.


The villain took the chance to sneak over to the laptop sitting on the coffee table. He pushed the start button.


"Hello, Mr. Antioco Faust, also known as the Clementine," said the voice of the computer. "You are not authorized to access this device."


Clementine snarled in dismay.


"I - I am Sven," he said, switching to a high falsetto. "You must be mistaken."


"If you are Sven, sir," said the computer, "then what is my name?" 


Clementine thought hard.


"Mac?" he said hopefully.


"Access denied," said the computer.


"Darn," said the Clementine. He shut the computer hastily as Ben reentered the room. He was munching on a floppy waffle, and he had another one in his hand.


"Here's yours," said Ben, handing him the one with the bite out of it.


"I don't want that one!" said Clementine in disgust. "You took a bite out of it!"


Clementine reached for the whole one.


"Hey! That's mine!" said Ben.


"No it's not, it's mine!" yelled the Clementine. "So speaks the evil Clementine!"


"Leggo my Eggo!" howled Ben.


"Guys, really!" said Sven from the door way. He was wearing his full suit of armor.


Ben and the Clementine paused, each holding onto one side of the floppy waffle. It ripped in half.


"Have some dignity! We're crime fighters, not toddlers." Sven paused. "Well, Ben and I are crime fighters. You're just an evil semi-smart guy."

"Genius." corrected Clementine.

"No, you're not that smart." said Sven. "Now, Clementine, do you want to come to jail quietly, or am I going to have to knock you unconscious first?"

"Hmmm..." said Clementine pensively. "I choose... neither!"

With an evil cackle he grabbed Ben around the neck.

"Hey!" yelped Ben.

"Now, Soup Spoon, if you don't step out of my way you'll never see your cousin again!"

"Don't do it Sven!" sobbed Ben dramatically, "It's not worth it."

"You know, Clementine, you just proved my point," said Sven calmly, ignoring Ben's escalating sobs.

"Which is?" asked Clementine.

"You're not that smart," replied Sven coolly. He raised his right arm and expertly shot a blowdart at Clementine's neck. His targeting system ensured that it hit precisely the spot he intended.

"NOOOOOOOOOoooozzzzzzzz," cried Clementine, dropping to the ground and snoring.

"Sven..." sobbed Ben, falling to his knees, "You saved my life. How can I ever repay you? Can you lend me $25?"

Sven sighed and walked over to his desk. Pulling out $25, he thrust them at Ben.

"There," he said, "have a nice time with Yasmin."

"Jasmin!" corrected Ben, "I will. You know, Sven..." Ben paused on his way out the door. "You should get a girlfriend."

"Right now I have a date with Justice," said Sven, hoisting the unconscious Clementine onto his back. He walked to the open window, and stepped out. Soon, he could be seen zooming away in the distance.

Ben counted his money and left the house. He was walking to Jasmin's house when he heard a large 'thump', felt a large lump on his head, and blacked out.


Has Ben been kidnapped? Will Sven be able to rescue him? What happened?? Check back Thursday to find out!


Next section: Spoon Suit Man Part 6 (Spidophile)